A convincing self talking to.

I've jumped right over that line in the sand, because Love conquers all fear and rationale. Call me foolish and stubborn, but please don't call me an idiot. I'd rather fuck with fire and be happy then walk away and wonder. I'm smart enough and strong enough to know just how far over that line I should cross, where to stop, and how to fight my way out if I've gone too far. Maybe it's all just a waste of time, but right now it's all I want, all I need.

'I'm a fighter, not a quitter' That phrase will be the death of me.

Poopy on New Years.

I usually keep these posts to a minimum, but I haven't typed anything on here for a good minute, so I figured I'd air some shit out. Well, not really air anything out...just type my mind a little. Sorry in advance for the shitty post. Both in my attitude, and my lack of sticking to a topic. My New Years resolution was to keep my mouth shut and smile....and I blew it before 3am.

The past two weeks or so have been way too busy for my liking. My sister was married, then there was Christmas, and I'll talk about New Years here in a sec. I'm working 5 nights a week, with my days off spent catching up with everyone who's in town for the holidays. Sleeping 5 hours max when you do what I do for a living just isn't enough time to recharge for the next day, let alone enough to be in a halfway decent mood for things. To keep a long, pointless rant short: I'm spent.

A certain friend who knows just what buttons to press, and when to press them is, well, pressing my fucking buttons. Making me angry enough to not be able think of clever ways to even describe what's going on, or how what he says/does effects me. He's just a condescending dick, but only towards me, and only when there's an audience to laugh about it. So much in fact, if he read this, he'd wait for the right time, like at dinner or something involving a bunch of friends, and bring it up there...But not discretely to just me, no. He'd announce to the whole crowd, just loud enough for everyone to tune in, knowing full well he's winning whatever game he thinks we're playing. You suck man. It's getting old. I'm so glad you're only around once or twice a year. See you when I see you. Thanks for pointing out the fact that I'm always on edge. Ever think it's because of you?

New Years could of been awesome if I would of let it just happen. The entire night was spent getting ready for something. I woke up too early and couldn't get back to sleep, and I just felt like I was running late all day. I missed the countdown trying to be somewhere comfortable, only to find myself hearing fireworks and people cheering without me even realizing it. The room Taj set up for us was awesome, and I'm glad she went out of her way for it. She's one person I wish didn't live so far away, but that's another story. Apple Jack is my new drink of choice, just try it on ice with some sweet tea, you'll thank me.

Last, but not least, I'm crushing fucking hard. It's probably a key ingredient towards my edginess. But that's top secret shit.

This will probably be deleted soon. Soak it up. I'd totally get an F in 3rd grade English for this.

Ever So Fitting

Taurus

Dec. 18th 2008

In theory you are willing to work within the constraints of the limitations currently being placed on you. You know that following the rules is a good idea, yet it seems as if the level of control has gotten out of hand. You might feel as if you are shackled and now you want to throw off some of the restraints. But don't try too hard today or you could mess up a situation that really isn't as bad as you think.

Relationship Island

Who's not on it these days? Well, me, that's who. I don't mind not being there, really, but I do mind being without my friends. A phone call, maybe a postcard would be nice.

Today Was A Fucking Joke.

All 20 hours of it.

Something happened in the time period of 9pm Saturday night and 2am Sunday morning that I'm still not even sure about. The only thing that I can imagine happened, is that I didn't meet some impossible goal or whatever standard - or leave a certain type of impression that was expected of me. It's all so confusing right now.

48 hours of complete opposite feelings from a person. The term 'Night and Day' taken literally.

Friday couldn't have been more perfect. Could it?

I don't even want to write anymore.

Things and Stuffs.

There's nothing like being beat at your own game. You just can't be pissed. And anything beyond just going with the flow and waiting things out is defeat. Sometimes you want to just wave the white flag and surrender, but they've got you beat, and they ain't takin' no fucking prisoners.

I'm such a masochist. I want to create more silly scenarios just to get on your bad side...it's so wrong of me, I know. Truthfully though, I just love passion...preferably served boiling fucking hot. The faster our hearts are beating and the more I stutter, choking on all the wrong things to say while your eyes are burning through my soul, the better. It's the mental equivalent of being slapped in the face, and pushed over the kneeling bully you didn't know was right behind you, all within one motion. But I love it. I can't tell you why, or how, or what made me love this self torture...I just do. But don't get me wrong, I like the good stuff too...it's all a balance I guess.

There's nothing wrong with speaking the truth. Given our openness, and our histories that have crossed paths more than a handful of times, we both know enough shit about the other to expect an adventure. Would you honestly expect any less from the dude who wears his wacky life experiences on his sleeve like a badge of honor? My mouth is big, a size 10W to be exact, and my foot fits in it like a perfect fitting pair of Vans. It's not the first, and hopefully not the last, time you get to help me shove it in for me. If that's not love, I don't know what is.

I'm honestly more in love with you now than I ever have been. I'm a strange one, I know.

The Past Week

This is going to a long, more in-depth version of the 'I'm Pushing 30' post I made a couple of weeks ago. So, if you're not really into reading a self-loathing pity party type crybaby fest, I suggest you just skip this whole thing and wait till next time. I'm sure my next post will have something to do with pizza and fun, or something like that. For everyone sticking it out, hopefully, at the very least, you'll feel a little better about yourself for not being me after you're done reading this. Who am kidding? We all hate ourselves. Ha.

***

Ah, 2008. The year I had it all figured out. Before the new year I bought one of those dry erase calender board things that you're supposed to plan your life to, erasing it all at the start of a new month to plan out what's coming up next - mine still has February written wrong at the top of it. Just another New Years Resolution left unresolved. Does that last sentence even make sense? Who cares, anyhow. I guess what I'm trying to say is: What started out as a year of accomplishing goals, just ended up like all the rest - a list full of lofty ideas and plans that either barely got started and were left reaching for my attention, or never even left my brain, left to rot and eventually be forgotten. Just like last year, ya know?

I don't know where I'm getting at...actually I do know, I just don't want to go there. Not here at least. I mean, this isn't exactly a diary. I can name 5 people very close to me who are going to read this once they get an email telling them I made a new blog post. And maybe only one of those five knows me well enough not to care, or better yet, not call or write me to tell me it's okay. I know it's okay. Just let me do it.

Can I break this up by saying that this some serious LiveJournal.com bullshit? Okay.

Where was I? oh yeah, pity party...

Imagine all your hopes and dreams, goals, and everything else that gets you out of bed in the morning as air in the tires of your bike. Now imagine riding your bike through that field with the bushes that have the spikey thorns in it. The one you always forget about until you're actually riding through it getting yet another flat tire. I guess you can say that I'm getting tired of patching up the tubes.

That's pretty much all of it without going into detail. Sorry for the tease, really, I am. I just got a little shy. Maybe I should choose a new path, clear of that fucking field, right? That's where I'm at right now. Yep, pretty much.