Not So Sure

If you don't mind, I'm going to wine a little bit. I'm a sleepy guy right now, but I've got a bit of weight on my chest, and surprisingly, it only involves me and myself. Well, it involves others, but I'm convinced it's all just insecurity in my head. Well there, I'm done. Actually, no I'm not. I'm just trying not to blab. Let's just say I felt a little bit of jealousy this morning. To be honest, it really is the best thing to feel sometimes. Sort of a reminder of why you're in the situations you are, and just how much those situations really mean to you. As for said situation, well, it means alot more to me than I've been letting on, to myself included. The question is, well, I'm really not sure about that either.

Just So You Know (In Three Parts)

1. My Genius Brain At Work:
Sometimes you just have climb over - or try your best to sneak around - the walls people put up around themselves. Determined, you climb, jump, sneak, dig, or pretty much force your way through...I tend to ram head first into that wall, only to end up bruised and broken. I guess it's stubbornness on my part. Definitely selfishness too. With paranoia comes panic, and you want to right wrongs that were never made in the first place.

And, sometimes you just have to back off and let it all be.


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2. My Patience:
Lately, every dream I wake up remembering seems to have the same theme: waiting.

Haircuts, roller-coaster rides, my turn to bat, everything. I'm always in line or on deck, never actually getting my chance (don't even get me started on sex dreams). It wouldn't bother me so much if real life didn't seem the same way. Maybe I'm just being a pessimist? To quote Dan Yemin (completely out of context of what the songs written about):

"Tried to live the good life, I just wasn't good enough.
Tried to live the simple life, I wasn't simple enough.
Tried to live the high life, I couldn't get high enough."
- Paint It Black 'Ghosts'
That's where I've been with myself lately.

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3. Engaging The Flow:
I'm crazy about her, and she wants to know why. She's wonderful, that's why. I feel as if our souls dance with each other above our heads when we hang out...on some deep James Redfield novel type shit. Do I even need to go on?

What I've been up to.

A lot really.